When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
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A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
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Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
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A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
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Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
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A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Top ten signs of an Indian in USA
Ten tips to recognize an Indian in USA:
1. She wears a frock, but has a pigtail.
2. He searches for buttermilk in a supermarket.
3. She searches for chilli powder in a supermarket.
4. He talks a lot about the problems of living in India.
5. She talks a lot about the unclean streets of India.
6. He says the Indian politicians are the cause of underdevelopment.
7. She says the Indian bureaucrats are the cause of inaction.
8. He talks about the harassment at the airports in India.
9. She talks about the cheapest air-fares to India.
10. He and she jointly decide to go Macdonalds to eat french fries.
1. She wears a frock, but has a pigtail.
2. He searches for buttermilk in a supermarket.
3. She searches for chilli powder in a supermarket.
4. He talks a lot about the problems of living in India.
5. She talks a lot about the unclean streets of India.
6. He says the Indian politicians are the cause of underdevelopment.
7. She says the Indian bureaucrats are the cause of inaction.
8. He talks about the harassment at the airports in India.
9. She talks about the cheapest air-fares to India.
10. He and she jointly decide to go Macdonalds to eat french fries.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Dravid as Sardar(funny one)
After the shameful defeat of Team India in the hands of Bangladesh & srilanka the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.
Dravid could not resist for too long to be in the hotel room but was not brave enough to go out shopping.
So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out.
He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Dravid!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out.
Yet the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc.
All in vain, the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recognize me?"
The lady replied -
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
SCROLL DOWN
I
I
I
I
I
"I am Sehwag!"
After the shameful defeat of Team India in the hands of Bangladesh & srilanka the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.
Dravid could not resist for too long to be in the hotel room but was not brave enough to go out shopping.
So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out.
He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Dravid!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out.
Yet the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc.
All in vain, the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recognize me?"
The lady replied -
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
SCROLL DOWN
I
I
I
I
I
"I am Sehwag!"
The Gossip:
A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbor. Within a few days the whole community knew the story.
The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended.
Later the woman responsible for spreading the rumor learned that it was completely untrue.
She was very sorry and went to a wise old sage to find out what she could do to repair the damage."
Go to the marketplace," he said, "and purchase a chicken, and have it killed. Then on your way home, pluck its feathers and drop them one by one along the road."
Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what she was told.
The next day the wise man said, "Now go and collect all those feathers you dropped yesterday and bring them back to me."
The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay, the wind had blown the feathers all away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three in her hand."
You see," said the old sage, "it's easy to drop them, but it's impossible to get them back.
So it is with gossip. It doesn't take much to spread a rumor, but once you do, you can never completely undo the wrong."
A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbor. Within a few days the whole community knew the story.
The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended.
Later the woman responsible for spreading the rumor learned that it was completely untrue.
She was very sorry and went to a wise old sage to find out what she could do to repair the damage."
Go to the marketplace," he said, "and purchase a chicken, and have it killed. Then on your way home, pluck its feathers and drop them one by one along the road."
Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what she was told.
The next day the wise man said, "Now go and collect all those feathers you dropped yesterday and bring them back to me."
The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay, the wind had blown the feathers all away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three in her hand."
You see," said the old sage, "it's easy to drop them, but it's impossible to get them back.
So it is with gossip. It doesn't take much to spread a rumor, but once you do, you can never completely undo the wrong."
Friday, March 30, 2007
Message Infosys Chairman - Mr.Narayana Murthy's Speech on Late sitting :
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don't know if they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace. Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit. Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue! Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday. Another problem is that people who are in the office for long hours are not pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office. First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday. Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For in! stance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the comics, watch a funny movie, dig the dirt, play with your kids etc..
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts.
They are hard for some of us because that requires personal change. They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them. In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my eldest son. When he was a toddler, If people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was.! He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our vis! itors' left, he would go to sleep. By this time, howeve r, he was over tired and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out.
Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will never stop happening. That is life ! Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap. Things will happen while you're asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake.
Hence "LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY"
- Narayana Murthy
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don't know if they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace. Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit. Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue! Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday. Another problem is that people who are in the office for long hours are not pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office. First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday. Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For in! stance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the comics, watch a funny movie, dig the dirt, play with your kids etc..
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts.
They are hard for some of us because that requires personal change. They are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them. In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my eldest son. When he was a toddler, If people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was.! He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our vis! itors' left, he would go to sleep. By this time, howeve r, he was over tired and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out.
Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will never stop happening. That is life ! Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap. Things will happen while you're asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake.
Hence "LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY"
- Narayana Murthy
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
*Actual call centre conversations
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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